When You Were Young
by imperfectcadenza
Summary: The story of the Doctor's youth is not one that's often told. But there was once a boy named Theta whose dream was to help people when he grew up. He fell in love with the boy whose dream was to stop him. And then it all came crashing down. Theta/Koschei.
1. Old Friends

I have many regrets in my life.

I have killed aliens, shunned romance, and given away far too many jelly babies. There are things I have done that I am not proud of. In my countless years as the Doctor, I have done many times what I should not.

But a little-known secret is that most of these regrets happened before I even gained my title. Most of these regrets happened during my years at the Academy, when I was part of the rebellious clique called the Deca, when I was free to be whatever I wanted and love whoever I wanted.

Most of these regrets happened because of Koschei. And I would be lying if I said I never loved him.

Let me be completely honest.

I have many regrets in my life, but falling in love with the boy who's now my arch-enemy is definitely not one of them.

**01. Old Friends**

The first orientation day of my teenage years at the Academy is sunny and all my books are new, but everything's still incredibly scary. For the first and last time in my life, my messy hair is auburn red.

"All first-year boys please report to the common room," calls a melodic voice from the intercom. Full of fleeting optimism, I pick up my heavy suitcase and drag it up the stairs. I catch a glimpse of the complicated timetable another student is holding and groan. It's going to be a long day.

When I reach the common room, I nearly bump into a taller boy who's leaning against the couch and talking to his friend. He turns around, a belittling smile on his face, and instantly I notice how beautiful he is. My face flushes red. _No, Theta. Girls are beautiful; boys are ugly._

Our school uniform is simply a white shirt and black trousers, but it looks incredibly fashionable on this boy. He's slender, with large dark eyes and high cheekbones, and his glossy brown hair falls in short, sharp waves past his ears. His skin is clear and pale, and his perfect grin grows even wider as he looks at me in surprise and says, "Thete?"

I blink. "Yes, who are you?" I reply warily.

He rolls his eyes. "It's me," he laughs. And it's then that I notice his crossed arms, his fingers quietly tapping out a pattern on his forearm. _One-two-three-four. One-two-three-four._

My eyes widen, and I step closer to him. "Koschei?" I say.

He laughs again and ruffles my hair as I try to bat his hands away. "You haven't changed a bit, darling," he says warmly.

My cheeks go even redder. _Don't call me that. I'm thirteen. I'm nobody's darling but my mother's._ "You have," I say softly. Where is the boy I remember from my childhood, my best friend with the bug eyes and short hair and weedy physique? He's certainly grown up over the holidays, whereas I've stayed short and skinny with freckles scattered across my nose and hair like a bird's nest. It's unfair.

"You'll pull all the girls this year, I bet," I mumble, stubbing my toe against the wall.

Koschei's smile twists a little. "I don't want any of them," he murmurs. His eyes lock with mine, and there's something in his gaze that I couldn't explain if I tried. "To be honest, I've never really wanted anybody else..." I don't know what he means. I don't want to know what he means. Ignorance is bliss, right?

Principal Alpha calls us to attention, and we all sit down. Koschei sighs heavily and slips his hand into mine, sending a tingle through my whole body, and pulls me down next to him on the couch. His body is warm and his smile is welcoming. My hearts are pounding in my ears. Is this what it feels like to...want somebody?

_Get a grip, Theta,_ I tell myself. _This is Koschei you're talking about here._ Koschei, who laughed when I said he was a good person and played chasey with me at his father's house. Koschei, who I've known since the day I was born. Koschei, who _is leaning closer to me and laying his head on my shoulder and pretending to snore and oh God is this what nuzzling is oh God it feels so good who cares about silly old Alpha and her speech? _His lips brush my neck and I can feel a shiver creeping up my spine because this should definitely not be happening to me. _Girls are beautiful; boys are ugly._

After the principal's speech, another teacher steps up to the front of the common room and reads out the list of roommates. How tedious. "...and Room 96: Theta Sigma and Koschei Mal," he finishes, and my head snaps up. I glance at Koschei, who's smiling like it's his birthday. All the other dorm rooms have four or five boys in them; I wonder if he organised this. His father surely has the money to make it happen. I wonder what he's planned for us together, alone in a cosy room with rainfall roaring outside, and all of a sudden I'm hard. I shift my books onto my lap and pray that he never noticed.

_What is happening to me?_

The teacher dismisses us, and everybody starts to leave.

"Shall we go up?" I say, cocking my head towards the staircase.

Koschei glances at me, and just the sight of his happiness makes me feel safe and dangerous at the same time. "'Course," he replies. Suddenly he seems wilder, stronger. "Thete, you're my best friend, and I want you to know that you can always trust me," he murmurs, taking a second too long to look away.

I roll my eyes at him. "I'll never trust you."

He grins and squeezes my hand. "Nope, you definitely haven't changed," he chuckles. Then he picks up my fifty-kilogram suitcase, lifts it above his head, and carries it up the stairs. He's not showing off; it seems natural for him. After a minute or so he comes back and gets his own. "Ah, Thete," he says, "I've missed you like crazy. Come on, bitch, we've got a room to mess up."

Just like that, I'm a goner.


	2. New Alliances

**02. New Alliances**

My alarm goes off like a siren in my ears. I sit up, my head raging, and the first thing I remember is that I get to see Koschei today. Not that it's my first real, scheduled day of high school, nor even that it's my sister's birthday. They all come later. It's Koschei, smirking and gorgeous, that falls into my mind first.

_Gorgeous?_

I dress in my uniform, scowling at the way it hangs off my frame. The trousers make my legs look like drainpipes and the shirt is oversized and paper-stiff. My hair falls in my eyes, making both seem duller, and all I can think of is how ugly I am compared to Koschei's long-lashed eyes and secretive smile. I have no idea how he's gotten this hot in the five months we've been holidaying apart.

_Hot?_

"Are you okay, Thete?" asks my mother as she kisses me goodbye. "I can tell something's on your mind. If you want to talk about it...?"

Should I tell her? I should tell her. "Mum, I was just wondering..." I begin. Through a crowd of students I see him leaning against a pillar, eyes searching the crowd. Searching for me.

"Koschei, about him, do you know if he's...would you be disappointed...if I liked..." I can't finish my sentence.

She does a double take, and then her smile is overwhelming. "Oh, Thete," she gushes. "I should have known. I always thought you two were close. Of course I wouldn't, sugar." Tears brim in her eyes and instantly I rear away. "My lovely boy is growing up!" And then she hugs me so hard I forget to breathe.

When she pulls away, the bell is ringing and it's time for her to leave. But before she does, she takes my shoulders in her hands and says, "You love whoever you want to, Theta. You be whoever you want to be." I smile back at her.

"I was just making sure," I add quickly. "I'm not actually..." But she's already gone.

Taking a deep breath, I cut through the crowd. Koschei sees me instantly and walks towards me, into the sun. "Morning," he says. He hands me a paper bag, and I swear that I'm sensing every time our fingers brush about twice as much as usual. "Jelly baby?"

The grin on his face does everything but blur out the conversation with my mother. As I take one from the paper bag I wonder why he's so happy to see _me_. I'm nothing special. I can't draw to save my life, I'm a teacher's pet, and I'm no good at sports. It can't be me.

"All students please report to the Assembly Hall," says the same welcoming voice over the intercom, and I leave my thoughts at the gate.

Dinner that night is spag bol. I never thought the Prydon Senior Academy would come anywhere close to home, but the food's got something called a perception filter on it so it tastes and looks like whatever we want. I don't want to know how the cooks found out what our favourite foods were, but Koschei's hand is curled around mine under the table and we're meeting up with some of our old friends and I'm happy, happier than I've ever been in my life.

"You guys want to come up to our room tonight?" asks Koschei, and I raise my eyebrows. There's ten of us, the ones who rebelled against every rule in our younger years; Magnus, Vansell, Drax, Mortimus, Jelpax, Rallon, Ushas, Millennia, Koschei and I. And our room is pretty big, but _ten of us_?

"Kosch, we – " The food's very distracting. "We can't fit ten people in our room."

He glances at me, weaving our fingers in and out until nothing exists but touch, and chuckles, "It's bigger on the inside."

I don't know how Koschei's right, but he's right. The ten of us sit around our candlelit room, the time nearing midnight, and although we have to keep shushing each other every five minutes when the teachers do rounds it's heaps fun.

We're sharing old stories and trying to replicate that perception filter (never mind that we'll be learning it tomorrow in Temporal Science), and we've even got a name. We're the Deca. We do everything right and everything wrong. We take life in our stride.

At some point, Magnus slips a thimble out of his pocket and we all decide to make an oath. "We are the Deca," we chant, pressing our pricked thumbs together, "and we will be friends forever. We are unstoppable for both good and evil. We will never divide." Our voices seem to harmonise. I watch the blood worm its way out from between our flesh, and a single red drop splashes at our feet. Something tells me it will never wash out.

Midnight, and a teacher finally realises we're not all supposed to be in the same room. We hear her footsteps gliding down the hallway, a poor attempt at being inconspicuous, and the others jump out the window onto the ledge and return to their rooms. And then it's just Kosch and I.

"I suppose you'll have a horrible headache in the morning," I remark as we're changing. Our backs are turned, pointless modesty, and I can hear him breathing. It's a comforting sound.

He laughs. "They weren't real cupcakes," he replies. I can hear him collapsing into bed; it sounds like a falling tree. "It was just a filter." Suddenly he whispers, "Your voice is beautiful."

"You ate ten of them!" I say, and then, "What?"

"It is, Thete, it is," Koschei breathes, smiling at the ceiling as I slide underneath the covers. "It doesn't make the drums go away, but it makes them softer. I've only ever heard you sing once, but it was – God, it was beautiful." He's choked up. I blink at him, mute with surprise. "Well, goodnight," he adds awkwardly, and I turn around to face the wall. Sleep comes easy when you're with somebody you –

I wake up at around three-thirty in the morning. Thunder, low and powerful, mumbles somewhere far away. The rain is loud on the window, masking the world outside with grey and silver, forcing every noise in the room into a tunnel of sound.

"...Theta..."

That's probably why I hear Koschei saying my name.

"Oh God, _Theta_."

Even as I sleepily roll over from facing the wall, I can tell that the word's not meant for me, that he doesn't know I'm awake. It's rough, breathless, but indescribably happy. I lift my head out of the warm blanket.

There he lies, a dark angel, sheets half thrown back, eyes heavy-lidded but open. I should have known he wouldn't get any sleep. Koschei and insomnia have been the perfect pair, ever since our nursery years. His gaze is fixed on the ceiling, full of wonder and love, and as I frown in confusion he says it again, louder this time, moaning it almost automatically. It's like my name is as natural to him as breathing. He sounds halfway between hurt and ecstatic.

I almost call out his name, wondering if he's delirious. Fever's common this time of year. His eyes fall shut, his mouth dropping open, and I start to panic. Should I slap his face? Splash him with water? Call one of the teachers; is he having a fit?

And then I notice where his hand is.

My face goes red, and even in the darkness I can feel the heat radiating off my cheeks. I wish the stupid rain was louder; I don't know whether to be pleased or freaked out. After a few seconds, I give up. Shutting my eyes tight, I turn back around to face the wall and go back to sleep.


	3. Confession

(This chapter's a short'un. But it's made entirely out of fluff and sugar, so enjoy :D)

**03. Confession**

A week goes by and I don't mention what happened that night. I start sleeping with lavender underneath my pillow to help me sleep, just so I don't hear it again; it doesn't work at all, of course, and by Tuesday I've trained myself to wake up just so I can listen to him saying who I am. It's like a siren call. It shapes me. In everybody else's eyes I'm the clumsy, sweet boy whose innocence is laughable. In Koschei's, I'm glorious, confident. I'm a fantasy.

That Thursday, we skip Languages – because who's ever going to need to know how to speak Judoon? – and sneak underneath the old bridge. Everyone goes there to study or talk, or just to muse underneath the dappled sunshine. We sit side by side in the red grass, arms linked, his head once again resting on my shoulder. The world shrinks to our personal space. We can talk about anything.

"When did they start?" I ask shyly, shredding a strand of grass between my fingers. The drums haven't really ever been a trending topic for us. But today's not just any day. I can sense it in the air, see it in the curves and angles of Kosch's smiling face.

Gazing down at him, I feel something rising in my hearts. It feels like there's always been this space between them, in the hollow core of my chest, and now it's been filled. And I never even noticed. He nuzzles my neck again, like a pony, and on the thin skin I feel the terrifying, electric touch of his kiss.

_Is this is this should I say it no I can't it's too no I can't but I do I do is this_

He looks beautiful today. _He's always beautiful,_ I amend. _But today, he's…stunning._ His eyes are outlined with his insomnia, and each perfect eyelash is somehow darker, longer. Everything about him is perfect, his shoelaces dangling over the ground, his hair a mess of silken spikes. He smiles up at me, but there's something about the curve of his lips that seems constructed, contrived. The question is one he'd never answer if he had the choice.

"When I looked into the Schism," he says quietly. "They've never stopped." His voice is shaking.

"You poor thing," I murmur, and my lips graze the top of his head.

He hasn't heard me, doesn't want to. "They never stop," he whispers. "They never stop – one-two-three-four, one-two-three-four, oh God, Theta, they never stop!" He's screaming by now, shaking with fear, and his fingers are knelling out the beat inside his head like it's the end of the world.

Instinctively, immediately, my arms are wrapping around his shoulders, pulling him in close. He sobs, shudders, and lets me hold him. "Shh, Koschei, I'm here," I whisper, and rock him slowly back and forth. "I'm here. I love you, I'm not going to leave you."

_This is this is you just said it you did forget the risk you did and you do you do this is it_

I freeze. "Did I just say that out loud?" I say carefully.

He pulls away from me, looks at me with all the world in his eyes. "You love me," he breathes, like he's just been reborn. His hands find their way to mine, and softly he repeats, "You _love _me."

The silence lasts for a moment, and then he's slowly leaning in closer and closer and I'm following, breathing him in, and then we kiss. For the first time ever. His lips taste like summer. He wraps his arms around my back and I slip mine around his waist and we just sit there, kissing softly, kissing slowly, two Gallifreyan boys in love. The world is a beautiful place sometimes.

I wonder if I really believe that. But then I notice something he doesn't, that when I touch my forehead to his and search for the drums amid the choir of joyful thoughts inside his mind, I hear blissful silence, and I know that it's true.


	4. Dangerous

**04. Dangerous**

(Author's note: The two boys are in Third Year now. Second Year and the rest of First Year was basically them being secret boyfriends (naww) and the Deca kicking arse and gaining the respect of the school. Enjoy.)

_You don't mess with us._ I smile at the mirror, eyes bewitching, flame-red hair tousled beyond form. It is a wicked smile; we are a wicked ten.

We've got Temporal Science first. Kosch's always come top of the class; not that anybody in our class ever gets anything above a 70. We know it all, we could write the textbook, but why should we try? Why do we have to prove it to them?

Koschei comes up behind me and kisses me on the back of my neck. "Good morning, beautiful," he says into my ear, and his hands find their way to the front of my trousers. They slip beneath the buttons; every hair on my body stands on end. "I love you, you know," he murmurs, "and there's fifteen minutes until breakfast." My mind is seething; do we have time? He kisses my collarbone, whispers my name. _Oh God, of course we do._ I close my eyes and grin.

There is a knock on the door.

"Get off me, you horny simpleton," I announce, prying his hands away and kissing him quickly before flinging the door open. Magnus and Millennia fall into our room, laughing like madmen. They bring news of a new student in our Temporal Science class, a girl in the year above us who's been brought in by our frantic teacher in a last attempt to make us learn. She's called Ruth or Rana or something. I listen and smile and roll my eyes, but then Magnus says she's my type and I freeze.

The thing is, nobody knows about Koschei and I. Nobody hears him tell me he loves me every time we part for separate classes; nobody sees the innocent kisses every night before we go to sleep, nobody senses that we're _together_. It's a wonderful secret but sometimes it's hard to keep. Like now, for example. I'd much rather have locked the door and let whatever childhood I had left fall away, but there are reasons why we can't ever say anything.

If anybody knew, we'd be tormented. I saw it happen to one of the teachers; he brought his boyfriend to the Grand Assembly at the end of Second Year. Kosch and I watched in complete bliss and admiration as they entered the room with fingers woven together, one's head on the other's shoulder, and we were starting to hope that someday that could be us. But five minutes later they were asked to leave the room, and at the start of this year Principal Alpha announced that the teacher had 'chosen to pursue other occupations'. Or, in layman's terms, the teachers fired him because he was gay.

I watch Koschei's face as Magnus goes on about how I've always been flirting with the smart girls (no, just trading illicit sweets and swapping class notes), and admire how calm he is, how well he's hiding his amusement and fear. I'm blushing furiously, because Magnus is inadvertently lying to our faces and we can never, ever tell him the truth. It sends shivers down my spine, thinking of what the stronger boys in our year, in the years above us, would do to us if they found out.

"Come on, Thete," Koschei says quickly, the affection gone from his voice. "We're going to be late! We'll try and find you a seat next to her." _You can't be serious_, I think, trying ever so hard not to laugh.

I nod at him and let Millennia drag us all out the door, and as I turn my head back to see if we locked the door he gives me the tiniest wink.

It's nearly the end of the day and everybody wants to see the picture of Kosch and I as kids with my father about to dump a huge bucket of water on our heads; my classmates have persuaded me to show it to them. Jelpax runs back to the dormitory with me to get it, talking a million miles an hour. Something about the big guys in our class, the bullies. Aridan and his followers. He sounds worried, but I don't listen; we've got Temporal Science again, and the teacher's just about given up on trying to make us care.

The new girl is so clever it's scary. Her name's Ruath, and her parents are experts in TARDIS technology. There's something between us; I feel like I can tell her anything. We're going to be good friends, everyone says, _very_ good friends. I don't like what they're implying. Ruath's pretty in an evil way, with a high forehead and softly curled dark hair, but she can't hold a candle to –

I stop at our bedroom door. My jaw drops and my body goes very, very cold. This can't be happening. There's no way, not in a million years, that this could be happening. But there's a friendly message for us, bright red, terrifying in so many ways.

GAY

I reach out and touch the word scrawled on the door. My fingers come away dry; this must've been done hours ago. "Why the hell are they teasing me? I'm not…" I exclaim, but my voice trails off because I just can't lie like Koschei can.

Jelpax shakes his head. "Not you," he says, sort of apologetically. "Koschei."

My hands freeze halfway to the door. Suddenly I know why they wanted me to leave the room, to leave Koschei. And it has nothing to do with the picture.

I sprint back to the classroom, Jelpax stumbling after me. When I burst in, everybody's shouting. Seventeen pairs of eyes are focused on one small bloodied body hunched in the corner and how it reacts to the punches Aridan is throwing. I know it's Koschei even before he screams "_Theta!_" so painfully that it hurts my ears. I have to save him.

But I'm mesmerized, we all are. Aridan's swinging his fist back, eyes malicious, and all my classmates are cheering him on. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Ruath staring at him with revulsion, and I feel a sudden surge of strength. I push forward and slam Aridan's hand on the desk.

He curses and turns to me, baring his teeth. This isn't wicked. This is far worse than anything any of us would ever do. "Don't try to protect him, Thete," he spits. "He's not worthy of your friendship."

I gape at him. "Do you really think I would ever believe that?" I cry. "He's my best friend, no matter what happens. You're an idiot, Ari." He clenches his fists, stepping back to flatten me with a right hook, but I slam him back into the wall and knock him out. The Deca taught me how to fight. It's what we do. I glance back down at the body lying curled in the corner, and my hands start to shake.

Oh God, he's not moving. Koschei's not moving. His eyes are closed and tears are streaming down his face, and I barely see him breathing. He opens his eyes, dark diamonds between the swelling bruises on his cheeks, and gazes at me, "Theta," he whispers, "help."

My body doesn't know how to do anything but run for him and enclose him in my arms. I sink down onto the floor beside him, careful not to hurt him further, and his blood is already soaking into my shirt. He sobs into the fabric, clinging to me with trembling arms, and leans his head on my chest. I've never seen him this weak, this vulnerable.

As I shift in closer against him and stroke his back, I don't care that I'm holding him too close to keep our secret. I don't care that my lips are pressed against his dark hair, that our legs are tangled together on the floor, that we're so gay it's ridiculous. Boys don't cry, _I_ don't cry, but right now I don't care about anything except Koschei.

"Let's get you cleaned up," I say brightly, trying to scrub the tears off my cheeks. The class is gaping at us, unsure whether to jeer or sympathise. I sling Koschei's arm around my neck and start to lead him out of the room, but before I can move out of the line of their stares, he takes my face in his hands and kisses me on the mouth. In front of everybody.

I love him for it, for his courage, but as we hobble out into the corridor I can't help but think that we've just made the biggest mistake of our lives.


	5. Need You

**05. Need You**

It never ends.

First come the whispers, the quiet laughs in the hallway that turn inaudible when we walk past. The Deca are the only ones who stick by us, who trust us enough to believe that we were drunk and we're not gay. We just keep lying through our teeth. We know the rest of the school will believe it, someday.

But until then there's the times when we're afraid to hold each other in the night just in case somebody's watching. Then there's the times when Aridan screams in our ears that we're idiots and forces us to ram our lips together for fear of getting sliced into ribbons. There's the times when I just lie in bed crying my eyes out, and I can hear Koschei doing the same thing.

It takes me a few days to get used to the bullying. I've beaten someone like Aridan before. I've killed him. He tried to drown my Koschei. And I killed him. I was ten and there was water flooding into everything and I was terrified and I killed him.

But as it affects me less, I realize that it's affecting Koschei more. He doesn't sleep; he just sits on his bed, staring into space, and I know that the drums are louder than ever. I know that he's not okay, that he's fading into oblivion with every word our schoolmates say about us.

One night, it all changes. I can tell from the moment I open the door; Koschei is lying on his back on the floor, bruised and beaten, and his eyes are full of tears. He turns his head and gazes up at me, and whispers, "I am the drums."

I shut the door behind me. Lock it. Sling my bag over the back of a chair and sink down beside him. "No you're not," I say softly, brushing his bloodied hair out of his eyes.

He lies there next to me, still to my touch, and I know he wants to believe what I'm saying. There's something in the air, a sort of electricity; I can't place exactly what it is. The feeling that something's going to _happen._

"Yes," Koschei replies, eyes blank and staring. "Please, Theta, make it stop. It won't stop. I can barely hear you." He's suddenly crying, eyes closed against the storm. I touch the tears away, but they keep coming.

"Oh, who am I kidding?" he laughs bitterly. "You can't make them stop. Nobody can. They're unstoppable, Thete. They won't ever stop, oh God – " he covers his face with his hands.

How can I help a madman with drums in his head? How can I stop them controlling him, turning him into an empty vessel for the horrible things the bullies are calling him? There's nothing I can do.

Well, almost nothing.

Suddenly I realize something. I remember that day underneath the bridge, when we kissed for minutes without a care in the world. I remember touching my forehead to his and hearing – If _kissing_ makes the drums _softer_, then – My whole face goes red as it hits me.

There is, in fact, one thing that makes the drums go away entirely.

I lean in closer to him, praying silently that he'll forgive me later for my terrible attempts at seduction, and whisper into his ear, "I can help with that."

He blinks at me. "How?" he murmurs, and I wonder how he can be so fiercely smart and yet so oblivious at the same time.

So, with all reasoning gone to buggery, I just lean over and kiss him.

This kiss is so different to any other kiss we've ever shared. His hands are clawing at my back, tearing at my clothes, and his tongue's twisting deep into my mouth like it never has before. I've got my hands around his waist, pulling him in closer, and I feel like laughing because I don't care what Aridan thinks. The carpet is rough against my skin but I don't care, because Koschei is kissing me and touching me and I know he knows what I want. I think he wants it even more than I do. I don't care about anything else.

After the storm, after the most amazing moment of my life, Koschei presses his forehead to mine as I turn him back around to kiss him. I hear nothing.

His hands are trembling, but he reaches up and wraps his arms around my back, pulling us together. We breathe as one. "I'm just going to go ahead and say that if it makes the drums go away, we're doing that again," I say, closing my eyes and letting his lips take mine.

Koschei breaks away and laughs. "I'm just going to go ahead and say that we're doing that again no matter what," he replies. I smile at him. How can I possibly deserve someone as beautiful as the boy that's lying beneath me, the boy that I grew up with, the boy I love? But then again, he said once that he doesn't deserve me. We're not worthy of each other, I guess.

"The drums," he breathes, pressing his hands to mine. "They're gone." He sounds amazed, grateful, and learned at the same time.

I grin and kiss him deeply, feeling the weight of my body on his, our sweat and his tears and the way I can feel his heartbeats through his chest pounding into mine. When I break away, his eyes are mesmerised.

I lay my head on his shoulder and whisper to the carpet, "I figured."


	6. Starry Eyed

**06. Starry-Eyed**

There's something about sneaking to the dining hall at midnight that doesn't seem right.

Of course, there's something about breaking into the Philosophy classroom on the night of the summer solstice and making out on the desks that seems indescribably sexy. There's something about ten of us spontaneously cliff-diving on a field trip to the coast that seems daring and rebellious. But this is different; we're sprinting through the night, dressed in black, breaking the school rules. Breaking the law, in fact.

And all because I've got a small parcel of custard powder in my pocket.

"Custard has a hallucinogenic effect on us, Thete," Koschei explained to me earlier tonight. "When neutralized with proteins, it merely augments our brainpower. But when left on its own…" He looked up with a wicked smile, and I felt a chill run through my body. "It drives us insane."

Turns out sex isn't enough to keep the drumming at bay. After a few weeks, his brain got used to it; now I've lost the best way I can make him happy. It's not something I'm proud of. Now he's looking at…other options. Even less legal options.

I don't feel right about this at all. I'm rubbing my hands together, the friction biting at my palms, and Koschei is tearing along at breakneck speed. I could be as fast as him, if I tried. I could stop him, I guess. Bring him back down to earth, make him realize that what we're about to do is stupider than stupid, kiss him until our heartbeats drown out the drums.

If I tried.

But, once again, there's something. Something stopping me from objecting as we reach our dorm room window and climb in. Koschei looks at me and falls back against the corner of the room, feet flat, legs spread. He looks like a dark angel, and his eyes are so hungry I start to worry. Sighing, I pull the custard powder out of my pocket and say, "Want a taste?"

He smiles at me and catches it as I throw it at him. "I'd love to," he replies, and then I can lose myself in that smile. I tell myself that as long as he's happy, we'll be okay; I fall forward onto him and kiss him once, twice, just because.

Before I can stop him, he tears the packet open and tips some of the powder into his palm, and swallows it.

"Koschei, what the hell are you doing?" I'm panicking. You're not supposed to take more than a fingertip's worth of custard if you're a first timer, and you have to dilute it with milk. We learnt that in First Year. But now I'm grabbing the packet from his fingers and throwing it far out the open window, shaking his shoulders, and scared to death.

"Koschei?" His eyes are glassy. "Koschei, talk to me!" What if he has a bad reaction? What if he goes unconscious, what if he dies? What if, what if, what if. I push his messy fringe back and watch his pupils, and I slap him hard across the face.

He breathes in sharply, and a manic smile lights his lips. "Theta," he breathes, eyes wide, "oh, that was wonderful."

I blink at him, still alert and terrified. "The trip, you mean? Was that it? Are the drums gone?" I ask quickly.

"No, don't you _see?_" he whispers. "They're loud, so beautifully loud! Everything is pulsing in time. I can almost feel it under my skin. I've never felt so alive; oh God, Theta, hit me again!"

The words drop into my ears like alarms. I haven't heard him talk like this before. "I'm not going to hit you, Kosch," I say calmly. "Just wait a minute and they'll quiet down."

"Don't you see?" he repeats, his voice a reverent cry. "The drums are _good_. We've been chasing them this whole time, trying to murder them, when all they're doing is…" His fingers flutter by his temples and his eyes close. "…telling me what is rightfully mine."

I stare at him. Koschei is not a madman. Koschei is not power-hungry. Koschei is my best friend, my boyfriend, and he is so high it's not even funny.

"Hit me," he murmurs. "Please?"

My hand moves of its own accord and strikes his cheek before I can calm him. The expression on his face is orgasmic. "Oh, thank God," he says, his voice losing its insane happiness. "That scared the living daylights out of me. I wasn't myself, Thete, was I?"

"You were mad." I stare at my hand, distracted by my own violence. Did I just slap him again?

"Yeah, I'd have to agree with you there. Can you hear anything?" he asks, tipping his head to the side, and all the hope I'd had falls away. Of course the custard powder wouldn't work. Now he'll find something even more destructive to numb the sound. _Well done, Theta, well done._

"No," I say softly.

He grins. "Neither can I," he replies, and everything is okay again. We kiss, and I taste the last traces of the drug on his lips. _Oh, fantastic. Now I'll be high too._ But somehow I don't care. The drums are silent, that's victory enough for me.

"Do you want to…?" I trail off, gesturing at our clothes.

Koschei slowly smiles at me. "Well," he says, "I was thinking…you've had a rough day, what with risking your life to help me and dealing with my recent state of madness…my beautiful, darling, courageous Theta, how can I ever repay you?"

I push his head down, laughing. For the rest of the night I'm high as a moon, but somehow I don't think it's from the custard powder.

When I wake later that morning, the sun is low and golden. Koschei is snuggled into my side, breathing softly, and his hand is still twined around my own under the covers. I close my eyes – maybe we can sleep in today, spend the morning in drowsy happiness. School doesn't resume until tomorrow. We'll be okay.

For once, everything is alright.


	7. Clipped Wings

**07. Clipped Wings**

(Author's note: Once again, we've skipped a few years. It's now their last year at the Academy and things are a lot more complicated. This is where the serious angst starts to come in tsunamis. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy!)

_Nothing is ever as it seems._

That principle's been hammered into our brains since we were children; now we're old enough to be responsible, old enough to marry, old enough to make our own decisions. We decide what's real and what's not. It's all a matter of perception, really.

Ruath has become my rock. She's the only one that knows that Koschei and I are still together, since we don't trust the Deca to stand by us if we come out. The rest of the school thinks that 'our weird experimenting phase ended years ago' and now 'Theta and Ruath are the cutest couple ever!' Imbeciles.

To tell the truth, it's not that hard to believe anymore. Koschei's been distant for months. He doesn't talk about the drums, and goes out on his own without telling anyone where he's headed. He's shyer about his appearance; he won't let me see him undressed. When we kiss, I feel a sort of desperation in the clutch of his fingers, and I worry.

But we're okay. A fingertip of custard every week, he says, keeps him sane. We sleep in my bed now, sometimes his, and the new cure stops me fearing the worst. Koschei, my lovely Koschei, is coping. I've stopped checking his every move for the twitch of a ravaged mind. Everything is alright.

The day before our final exams, I wag school. As I wind my way through the red grass, I can't stop thinking about that saying. _Nothing is ever as it seems._ My shoes trip along the ground, laces tangled, and the burnt-orange sky is full of sunlight. The day is full of promise. I glance up, and instantly become aware of two things.

The first is that I've somehow made my way to the clearing under the old bridge, where I had my first kiss and Koschei had his. Where we spent countless afternoons exploring each other's minds, each other's bodies, and where I found cure number one: love. The memory feels sweet in the back of my mind, but something else overtakes my attention.

The second is that Koschei is sitting on the grass. His back is turned, and as I walk closer I see how he's rocking back and forth, knees tucked beneath his chin. Something glints on the ground beside him. The hairs on my forearms slowly raise. Something isn't right.

"Koschei?" I call softly.

He freezes at the sound of my voice. I walk faster, my hearts pounding, and as I come closer to him I see something that turns my blood to ice.

The glint. It's a knife.

I'm cold all over; I can't breathe. Forcing myself to calm down, I glance over his surroundings. _The sky is blue, his vest is black, the grass is red - but why is the knife red? It shouldn't be - _

Oh.

Koschei doesn't look at me. "Why are you here?" he whispers. His hand slips from around his legs, and it's then that my worst fears are confirmed.

A deep red line down his forearm marks where the knife had been. The unusual, dappled light shows the faint scars I've been too blind to notice high on his upper arm. My breakfast turns in my stomach as I realize with sickening clarity that this, of all things, is cure number three.

"Koschei," I say, surprised by how hard I'm shaking, "what are you doing?"

He lifts his head. The dark eyes I love are wet with tears and dull as stone. "What does it look like I'm doing?" he replies numbly, and he absent-mindedly rakes a fingernail across the cut. It's only when fresh blood spills down his skin, and he smiles at the sight, that I snap out of my shock. I yank his arms apart, kicking the knife away, and kiss him.

When I break away, my mind is full of words. "Koschei, you can't do this to yourself," I cry, taking his arm in my hand. I press my shirt-tail along the wound, seeing his blood colour the white fabric, and force back a sob. This is Koschei, who was coping. This is my beautiful and fragile boyfriend, and everything was alright.

Nothing is ever as it seems.

"Just tell me why," I murmur after a moment of silence. "Please."

His voice is quiet. "Pain speaks louder than any drum," he answers. "I'm not sure which one I deserve more."

"This is ridiculous! You don't deserve either," I plead. "You're beautiful. I couldn't live without you." I reach forward to kiss him again, but he turns away. The sun is covered with clouds and the bridge's shadow has fallen upon us. In the silvery damp darkness of the clearing, I am telling the absolute truth and it's not working anymore.

"I don't deserve you." The words hit me like a fist. "You're too good for me. Why are you wasting your time on someone as worthless as I am?"

I stare at Koschei, unable to comprehend anything he says. His eyes are sad and his arm is bleeding and _everything is falling apart_.

I lean forward and wrap my arms around him. All I can do is hold him, rock him back and forth, as if somehow that will make it okay. He sobs into my shoulder, weeping that I'm wrong, I'm too kind, I'm blind to his insignificance. "Listen to yourself," I murmur, and I wait for a reply but he's crying so hard he can't speak. I hold him, shivering, stroking his hair. The strands feel like needles. Koschei is broken and insane and embroidered with scars, and I am sitting here wondering how I could have been so blind to his despair.

He is falling apart, slowly and steadily, and for the first time in my life I'm not sure if I'm capable of putting him back together.


	8. A Future Together

**08. A Future Together**

(Author's note: I'M SO SORRY! I completely forgot about having written this chapter, let alone still having this account. To add to that I'm now in Year 12 at school so updates will be few and far between :( But as far as I remember, this is the third-last chapter. I'm also planning to upload it to Archive Of Our Own sometime soon as well - I'll post a link when that happens. I hope you enjoy this chapter, the only one to use two points of view...it's one of the hardest chapters I had to write. You'll see why.)

* * *

Theta Sigma

_Some secrets just can't be kept,_ I muse as I pack my satchel. Some secrets are so important, so potent, so real, that it's impossible to keep them hidden.

Some can, mind you. Koschei's scars have gone unnoticed for the many months they've existed, and nobody ever finds out when we cheat on exams or put blue dye in the cake mix. But there's a bigger secret, one I've managed to keep for what feels like forever, that I can't hide anymore.

And that's Koschei and I.

The air, cold and crisp, slaps me in the face when I walk out into the courtyard. It's getting incredibly tiring, keeping our love hidden, making sure nobody can look upon us and see utter devotion. Our whole year has learnt to tolerate people like us. People, it turns out, like Aridan, which shocked us to no end. But now he walks around with a boy from our Languages class and they kiss in the hallways, and nobody blinks an eye. I wonder what possibly could be the difference between them and us.

If you love someone more than anything else in the universe, if you'd happily spend the rest of your life with them, how do you show them?

It's by no element of chance that I find myself at Ruath's door. I've been pondering what to do for days, and who else would I come to for guidance? She's always been there for me. I never thought I'd have two best friends, but I don't know what I'd do without her.

I knock on the door and she opens it, straightening the strap on her light green dress. "Thete," she says warily, evaluating my motives with the slightest glance. "You've been thinking. Come in."

Following her into her house, I smile as I notice the elegance of her design. The skirt whirls like spun sugar around her knees as she sits down on the couch. "Tell me," she says, matter-of-fact as always.

My mouth opens before I can stop myself. The thought's been circling my mind for years now, but it's only recently that I've become old enough to turn it into something real. "I want to marry Koschei," I answer, and instantly a shiver runs down my spine. That's the first time I've ever said it aloud; there's no going back now.

Ruath stares at me, and I can't tell what she's thinking. Then her face breaks into a grin and she gushes, "Oh, please, you have to!" and I know that I've made the right choice.

The next hour is spent discussing rings, locations (she jokingly suggests the Temporal Science classroom; I have my hearts set on underneath the infamous bridge) and whether she gets to design our clothes. I feel like flying. It's Koschei that I can't stop thinking about, how this will prove him wrong, how this will convince him once and for all that he deserves everlasting love.

Koschei

_I walk slowly, thoughtfully. Theta's mind is blocked. He's hiding something important. I truly miss him. I love him, but. He doesn't deserve me. Me, worthless and pointless. He deserves better than. Someone broken like me. _

Koschei shivers with cold, crossing his sleeve-clad arms against his chest. The drums bind with his heartbeats, slicing each thought, one-two-three-four. Rain starts to fall, but he barely notices. He reaches a street that seems familiar, lined with expensive boutiques.

Absent-mindedly, he looks up. His eyes instinctively lock onto the bright flash of red hair that he knows so well, even from a distance. The shapes blur in his sight, punctuated by the rainfall around him. Two figures. A head of silky fire, a vibrant chiffon dress, and all of a sudden everything falls painfully into place.

_That's Theta and Ruath. Ruath and Theta Sigma. Walking into the shop. Her hand in his. His hand in hers. No, they can't be. They might – they _are_. My hearts twist slowly. I watch them walk. Into the jewellery shop. The shop for couples. Where you buy gifts. Where you buy promises. Where. You. Buy. Rings._

_My Theta, and Ruath._

_They are getting married._

Koschei gazes at them through what has become a shirt-soaking rainstorm, emotion screaming beneath the shell of his skull. First shock, then indignation, then denial. And then a deep, accepting sadness, as he realizes what he has known all along.

_I'm not good enough. Not for him, ever He's so very beautiful. So bright, so happy. I am a burden. A ghost, a manacle. I don't deserve him. Not his precious soul. I will break him. She will free him._

The drums beat faster. _Why am I here? Still here, causing sadness? I ruined his heart. Broke him in pieces. I am a failure. To him, to her. To myself, to life. It must be her. I'm sure of it. Who'd marry a crazy? A crazy like me? I should leave here. Let him be happy. Stop wrecking his life. Everyone's life, everyone's peace. Nobody would miss me. A crazy like me. Like me like me. Like me like me. One-two-three-four. One-two-three-four! Onetwothreefour! Onetwothreefour! ONETWOTHREEFOUR!_

Swallowing back tears, he doubles over as the searing sound washes over his mind. No other possibility occurs to him. Theta is laughing with his fiancée through the glossy window of the jewellery shop; Koschei crouches outside in the pouring rain, sobbing like a child, breaking into pieces.

His feet suddenly find a path, a purpose. He turns and runs back out of the street. There's an odd silence inside his head, and he feels completely and utterly alone. But at the same time he feels calm, now that he's decided what he has to do. For Thete's sake.

He has to let him go, forever.


End file.
